Every morning when I wake up I think about before
Before I found the solution
Someone asking how I’m doing always leads me to knock on wood
Never want to jinx anything and go back to Before
When in the morning meant my knees never moved right
Frozen in place
Constrained with pain
When my joints were always having a battle inside my body

All I could do was sit and pray
Pray this would one day stop
When walking around was always painful
Not being able to do what I love
Gymnastics and dance come to a close
Waiting for everyone to wake me up and say it was a dream
A nightmare

But no my life went on
even if the swelling wasn’t visible the pain was constant
Doctors became a regular
Missing school trying to figure out what to do
Missing hanging out with friends because I wasn’t feeling well
My childhood got interrupted before it even began
Having fun but pain was always a variable
Never realized how much I was in until it stopped
Trying to figure out what was wrong

Blood work, shots, injections
Machines taking images of my body
Using all of my energy to find the reason I’m hurting
Learning to swallow pills at 5
Giving myself my shot as I got older
Even as everything is quiet

The doctors and medicine will always be a part of my life
The before
At a point in my life everything felt wrong
Always Thinking why
Why do I have this pain
Why can some people walk and run but I can’t
Why do I have to limp when I walk
The questions floating in my brain never came to a stop

Now all a distant memory
I still wonder
If I didn’t have this could I be better at dance or Gymnastics
Arthritis has been a part of my life for good
As well as the shots and doctors
But so are the thoughts and the memories
And the waiting for the Before to come again